I’m not going to belabor this, because I’m too happy to want to get into the weeds of past unhappiness.
Today I woke up, showered, had my coffee on the balcony, played with my cat and dog, read, drank a smoothie — and then ventured out in my beloved Jeep, took the top down, and just DROVE. The weather was impossibly perfect, and my mood…. well, it shifted along the way.
Those of you who know me well know that I’ve been suffering for far too long over the breakup of the relationship I experienced right after my divorce more than four years ago. I was hit hard, and I have had a difficult time moving forward, despite my intellectual understanding of how bad and damaging that relationship was for me. Hearts like mine aren’t always too smart.
But this morning the full weight of it finally made sense to me: he was and is and will always be a narcissist, and the only way for me to move forward in life is to be done with him, once and for all.
So today I drove my Jeep, instead of letting him have the fun of driving it, as I customarily used to do. I listened to my own playlist (not his radio station) and sang along, without worrying whether I was embarrassing anyone. I got a Happy Meal at McDonald’s and drove in the sunshine and fresh air. When I got home, I played with my delightful new kitten, practiced guitar, read True Grit, napped on my hammock.
My life is, for the first time EVER, my own life. I have no regrets; every experience, good or bad, has delivered lessons. But now I am rarin’ to go. I have lots to say about narcissists and their damaging effects, but, for now, I am way too happy and excited about my prospects to focus on that stuff.
My Amazon playlist included several songs I associate with my ex. Rather than skip past them, fearing the re-opening of wounds, I decided to listen to and reclaim them: I refuse to give him power over what music I choose to enjoy. As I drove and listened, I realized that a number of the songs were actually emblematic of what was wrong with us and, I imagine, what is wrong with lots of other relationships. I will write lots more about this later, as it is huge. But, for now, just a sample: Fucking Willie Nelson and “You Were Always on My Mind.” NO, Willie, you don’t get to get away with making me feel second best. I deserve always to be treated as the most important person, and second best doesn’t cut it, ever, no matter how fetching you make your music. Charm only goes so far.
My Happy Meal came with a toy, and I just can’t believe how perfect it is: an Astronaut Barbie. You GOOOOO, Barbie! You are a beautiful woman, for sure — but you didn’t get to be a Happy Meal toy because of your looks. You are a ROCK STAR.
And so, in my own, simple way, I finally realize, am I.